ehhhh i don’t really want to do dating.

i’d rather do more community activities and volunteer my evening and weekend time more

here’s to self improvement and a lifetime of days to do better, feel better, think better

thinking about joining a church choir group next year. just like singing a lot…

being an adult and doing errands on sunday is just 

fucking entering text message verification codes and setting up auto pay bill. then buying groceries and replenishing cat food and litter. tidying apartment, and then trying to tend to yo sad ass love life, like another thing to abate the 10% of time i feel lonely but then i remember, i don’t want to be some dude’s mother or therapist or sex object no more. time to drink more water

I love finding memes that expose me to the core.

“You’ve never felt good enough for anyone, and you believe loving someone more than yourself will make you feel good enough.”

Damn…..thanks…..:….-relistens to all demi lovati songs on her daddy issues

he adored you

you don’t know anything about me. i feel sadness.

i’ve stopped daydreaming about killing people

we’re all horrible. i’m not ashamed. in fact justice is so very human. she’s attractive. hope pulls me into the spiral, dance with me. i feel weak and let them in

i think about what it means to be a girl. how parts are defined by having been taken from. i see other american children in movies tv and the playgrounds of white brooklyn white manhattan and i’m scared they’re ‘other’ and i’m angry because i’m jealous and i want childhood for everyone. not just the boys. i don’t want any more taking, only giving. i want all relations ever to be out of respect.

i want my body to be my own. i want sex to be a place i went to when i wanted to explore it, not a commodity. i want it for my birthday i want it for christmas i want jesus to save us not from hell but from each other i want his lessons and his love i want love to save us from the worse parts of humanity

if i can write about it, have i reclaimed it? am i less hurt? have i asserted my identity and personhood now? do you believe me? will you abuse and hurt me again? will you throw your guilt on me your pain and deny me happiness? do you wonder why i count my enemies why it’s too much for me right now maybe always and that’s okay it’s okay if i have my real friends sometimes

my real friends have never would never assault me or yell at me…i’m sensitive i know, to interact is to e hurt sometimes from misunderstanding and miscommunication. but to fucking yell at me. that’s some bullshit i don’t need in the car in the house that’s not home in a lover’s bed in another house that isn’t home. i don’t fucking understand, i’m fucking 12. and you don’t understand, you’re a bad mom. and you couldn’t protect me from him. you didn’t know how your happy day was so terrifying for me. because god forbid anyone ever fucking asks me how i am and what i feel. so i slam doors until you pull out the knob and a light pierces my bedroom. and i sob into the sheets until exhaustion takes me. i smell your sex in the room and in the car. i wander about your things while you’re at work, trying to know you. trying to figure you out.

perrin. perrin he, said, he calsl his mom all the time, to help with editing. when i say i’m like a human spell checker for my co workers. somehow i feel like he would care about me.

i think about how it’s not fair. how i don’t want to play the victim and throw pity parties anymore. how hard it is to keep saying positivity mantras

but i’m so fucking proud of myself for the progress i’ve made. i’m so fucking proud of myself.

god……..

i know i bailed cuz i felt bad and ugly that day. but thank god. his dad was there….pfff…..

believe in yourself

stay away from haters. they just have low self esteem they’re projecting onto everyone else, and you aint got that time for that. all you got for yourself is SELF FUCKING LOVE AND COMPASSION. go get your best life. 

just because something has a tiny impact on the world doesn’t mean it’s not worth doing. the little things add up, to changing your friend’s mind over time, to shifting trends and public opinion over time. if the representatives and corporations aren’t going to care now, in 10 years time, you’ll still have done 10 years of tiny good things every day. you get to be proud of yourself. so do it.

What I really like:
People who care about me. I’m not a substitute for something they need. I matter in myself. They follow up on goals and dreams I’ve mentioned. They make me become more open, and trusting and vulnerable again.

That’s what I want, more than anything else. More than sweets or anything you could buy or say to me about anything else. Attention. Some kind of proof I exist to someone else. Seriously, fuck you.
It’s going to happen from time to time still, in the future. Crying for you and other people. It’s okay.

If you don’t give a shit about me, then fucking pay me for the emotional labor and counseling I give.
If you don’t indicate even friendly human interest to me, there’s no second date. I am beyond exhausted. I’m done with people who don’t care about me, or about other people.

umbrella game

black magic game

scissors game

loud album

spoken word over guitar loops

screaming over guitar loops

loops out of phase - instrumental

heavy on reverb + noise bits added

lyrical themes:

childhood, dreamy, not eating falling, wanting to die

falling apart in love, disaster, dreams

dying spring, cycles, spinning, in the now

the seasons, change

noise

soft album

1) the sky is dreaming now 7, 6, 12

2) falling apart, falling in love

3) all the flowers die

4) my spring, my everything loop

5)  guitar + noise instrumental loop

finish writing “all the flowers die”

record